Somedays, sometimes, too much, too often. I cannot get it together, much less keep it together. Just so tired, so weary, so sick of everything--it pervades my bones, my pores, my spirit. Weariness combined with swells of rage. I want to sleep or pound things with my head or my shoe or just howl. I have howled a couple times, loud and shrill as I drive fast on the expressway. The mad, shrieking howl of restlessness, desperation, weariness part of the wind.
Today, I reason with myself, is hormonally intensified, that it is not a true measure of how these days have been, how I have been. But I don't know. I am so off track. Lately, I cannot even seem to get it up for exercising, which is has often been my salvation, my amazing grace.
Am just trying to be on days like these. To get out of bed, to put one foot in front of the other, paste a smile on my face, engage in the minimum fundamentals and try to avoid screaming. And enjoy the sweet moments. Like lunch in the warm sunshine with good friends. Cool breezes. Listening to an exciting baseball game online at work, filled with twists and turns that alternately led to delighted fist pumping and cheers and frustrated fist pumping and jeers. My daughter standing on the front porch, waiting to go to the park, holding her Hello Kitty purse. Framed by the wrought iron of the porch rails, surrounded by spring flowers that she planted, now in full bloom. She is sunshine made real and tangible. Pops of colour against the lush, surreal green of the grass. Her little face, so much like an opening flower, that it makes my heart ache with pure joy. Even on a day like today. And when she sees me pull into the driveway, her face lights up as her eyes and lips smile at me, I cannot help but smile back.
It's a constant battle, life.
ReplyDeleteWe all need to howl and rage and lose control. Just remember the sweetness, because it will keep you from going over the edge.