Day 30: Try, try, trying again

If at first you don't succeed, try again and again and again.  Last week was definitely a week that tried this woman's soul and resolve.  A week where it seemed that nothing could ever be good again, that my goals of becoming blonde, financially solvent, a fully-realized, fully-actualized person seemed destined for failure.  For a millisecond, I even considered trying to reconcile with my ex.  We have been getting along and it's nice to be part of a team, a unit, a traditional family.  But the end of the week demonstrated that he will never change, compromise, or fight for me, for us.  It would be me alone, trying to change, compromise, fight and nothing will ever be enough for him, and he is incapable of giving me what I need, long for--intimacy, emotionally or physically--a true partner.  

It's a new week, and I vowed to try again.   As Annie* was told in Bridesmaids, "you're your problem, Annie, and your solution."   This resonated with me and drove home the point--again--that the crucial part of this journey that I am on is learning to be self-sufficient, to fill myself up, and not to count anyone other than myself.  Appreciate and savour my friendships and "friend"ships but do not count on them. Don't use them as oars.  I am the captain of my own ship, my destiny.  Only I can save myself and get where I need, where I want to be. 

So, I have set some new goals to strive toward this week.   First, I vow to give up my daily Starbucks habit.  My daily crack is $5.67, before tip.  Or over $40 per week.  Or over $160 per month.   At least until I get my financial house in order.  This is vital because I need to get out of my current physical house and into my own place.  I have $2.99 left on my card and when it's done, no more Starbucks.  I am not giving up coffee (I am not insane, just a little nutty from time to time) but will stick with that brewed in my office or in my home.  

Second, I vow to get to the gym and my classes this week.  At least, three times.  I went to kickboxing on Saturday morning.  Got my ass kicked but kicked some metaphorical ass myself.  I have a lot of anger right now.  It scares me and kickboxing provided the perfect outlet for releasing it.  Master Sensei T taught our regular teacher V, who is pregnant and has been ordered to take it down a couple notches for the duration of her pregnancy.  Master T is a former Navy Seal and is tough as nails but he also has this zen-like quality about him.  He started from the beginning and to the chagrin of some of my fellow women warriors, he began with the fundamentals.  Think wax-on, wax-off.  Teaching us the correct form and breathing for each punch, cross, hook, and kick.  Integrating some yoga and core work into the class. The first class was even without music.  Last Saturday, we had music and it was more intense, more cardio.  We are still mastering the fundamentals but we did end the class with the crane technique as Master T chanted "Ralph Macchio, Ralph Macchio, RM, RM" as we jumped from leg to leg trying to perfect the crane technique.*  Plus, I got to punch him several times, very hard, on his rock hard stomach.  

Third, I vow to drink at least 64 ounces of water per day.  

Fourth, I vow to try and get a minimum of 7 hours of sleep per night.  

Fifth, I vow to stop living in the past and ruminating over the "if onlies" and the "why not mes?."  It is counter-productive and lacking a time machine, I cannot go back and change anything.  Truthfully, much of what I'd like to change would also alter the best parts of my present and my future, specifically my daughter's existence.  She is the best thing that I have ever done or will do.    As much as I have come to accept that her dad was unavailable to me and that I knew that before I married him, before I created a human life with him, she is my true love, my destiny.  She is what keeps me here on my worst days and what propels me forward on my best days.  She makes me want to be a complete, whole woman so I can help her become a complete, whole, self-sufficient, confident woman who cannot be held back by her fear, her insecurities.

Sixth, I vow to acknowledge every day at least one moment of beauty or one moment of goodness or one thing that has made me smile  

Seventh, I vow to stop making decisions based on superstitions or stemming from "magical thinking" or acting for the sake of acting.  But I vow not to do this at the expense of acknowledging that magic and beauty and passion do exist.   (I have already broken this vow because I wanted to end my vows with an odd number, which is superstitious.  Baby steps.)

So, it is written.  So, it shall be done. 

*Bridesmaids is Judd Apatow's new movie that has been marketed as The Hangover for chicks.   It was good and funny but Apatow did not quite hit his mark.  Annie reminded me very much of Meg Ryan, like a 2000s version of the character that Meg Ryan perfected in the 80s and the 90s.   But updated to fit the current times and current challenges--the failing economy, the new un-dating dating rules like Friends with Benefits.   

**Ralph Macchio was the original Karate Kid in 1984 (what a great year--the Karate Kid and the Tigers won the world series after a magical start  that included over 20 wins in a row to start of the season and a no-hitter).  I was in middle school and we got these magazines every week, and they featured bits of screenplays or just regular plays and we had to read them in class.   The Karate Kid was one of them.  

Ralph Macchio starred in two Karate Kid sequels but there was no improving on the first, which also had a killer soundtrack, including Banarama's Cruel Summer.   Naturally, I had a crush on him.   Back then, I fancied myself a would-be novelist and wrote a novel about a girl named Elizabeth Sanderson who was selected to be an intern with him in real life and live in his house.  Of course, we had Tiger Beat back then and so I knew all the details of his life, which I integrated into my novel.  (Tiger Beat was a magazine geared to teenagers and their celebrity crushes.  All told, my novel consisted of over a 100 handwritten pages, which I burned in a fit of temper and the recognition that I would never be a great writer and was unwilling to settle for being a mediocre writer.   During my tempestuous 20s is when I burned it along with a bunch of short stories and poems.   Of course, now, in my reflective 30s, I wish that I had not burned these artifacts of my youth.  

Besides the dreaminess of Daniel-san and the David vs. Goliath, rich vs poor themes, the Karate Kid contains several quotable lines that are often uttered by those of us who came of age in the 80s and that have become enmeshed in later incantations of pop culture.  For instance, the evil sensei who leads the Kobra Kais instructs one of his students to "sweep the leg" during the karate match.   "Sweep the leg" found its way into an episode of the Office where Michael took the office on a field trip to watch a match between himself and Dwight.  Kevin utters the infamous line "sweep the leg."   Those already of age in 1984 (my ex) and those not born until the 1980s undoubtedly missed this reference which increased the hilarity of the scene by a thousand-fold.   

Moreover, Mr. Miyagi shares several bits of wisdom imbued with good-old fashioned common sense that seem relevant to my own "vision quest":   (1)   "We make sacred pact. I promise teach karate to you, you promise learn. I say, you do, no questions"; (2) "First learn stand, then learn fly. Nature rule, Daniel-san, not mine"; (3) "Wax on, right hand. Wax off, left hand. Wax on, wax off. Breathe in through nose, out the mouth. Wax on, wax off. Don't forget to breathe, very important"; (4) "Punch! Drive a punch! Not just arm, whole body! Hip, leg, drive a punch! Make "kiai." Kiai! Give you power. Now, drive punch"; (5) "I tell you what Miyagi think! I think you *dance around* too much! I think you *talk* too much! I think you not concentrate enough! Lots of work to be done! Tournament just around corner!"; (6)  "Better learn balance. Balance is key. Balance good, karate good. Everything good. Balance bad, better pack up, go home. Understand?"; and (7) "Lesson not just karate only. Lesson for whole life. Whole life have a balance. Everything be better. Understand?"



The first photo is Daniel-san (Daniel Russo) and Mr. Miyagi.  Daniel-san demonstrates the crane technique on the beach.   The second photo is just the Karate Kid in his dreaminess.  Elisabeth Shue was his love interest, Ali Mills.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T99hbumhePA (Cruel Summer)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCRTbh3D_us&feature=related (You're the Best)