Day 43 of this blog and this failed experiment to see if blondes have more fun. Day 4 of a strange, painful stomach virus. Like I have been repeatedly (and literally) kicked in the abdomen, nausea (think first tri-mester morning sickness), and burning, stabbing back pains. The doctor diagnosed a bladder infection but was puzzled at the severity of the symptoms and the way my abdomen felt, so blood tests and an abdominal ultrasound next week. (And no, I am not pregnant unless somehow I am the Virgin (re-virginized?) Mary of the 21st Century).
Day 4 of my convalescence. Too dizzy and weak to read. Too nauseated to drink coffee. So, I am halfway into season 4 of Dexter. Finding all sorts of parallels between myself, a Robin-hood-esq Vigilante serial killer, and his sister, who recently earned her detective shield. Like Dexter, said serial killer, all my life, I have donned a series of masks, been an outsider, a stranger in a strange land. Like Dexter's sister, Deb, the attraction to the unavailable men, opening our hearts to men who turn out to be serial killers or sociopaths (Deb--Ice truck killer--season 1; me--Toxic circa late 80s, early 90s; the Oregonian Asshat--this season) or men who leave to follow their own ghosts (Deb and Special Agent Lundy--seasons 2 and 4; Me and Jesse--circa 1995) and then come back to us, seeming heaven-sent, destiny, kismet, all that ridiculous horseshit from too many books, movies, love songs, poems, grand theories before breaking our hearts all over again and again and again (Deb and Special Agent Lundy--season 4; Me and Jesse--circa 2009, 2010, 2011. Really, only 6 months in 2009, a stolen few hours on May 15, 2010, a handful of emails in 2011. Now, silence. Again.).
Season 4 with (retired) Special Agent Lundy's return has really resonated, even though his return was to track his ultimate ghost--a serial killer whose existence that he was never able to prove to anyone in the F-B-I (ala Hannibal Lecter). There are no serial killers in my life, fortunately, just living ghosts, one ghost that continues to haunt me. Anyway, Detective Debra Morgan ("Deb") was involved in a great relationship with the victim of a serial killer (The Skinner, Season 3) and had just received her detective's shield, when Lundy walked in. ("Of all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world, []he walks into mine."). Her response: "Mother fuckity fuck." Indeed. I probably talk more like Lundy but I have resolved to talk more like Deb and probably get my hair cut and return to my dark-haired girl roots. His response: Destiny. Or some shit like that--(see already channeling my inner Debra Morgan). And the push and pull, resistance for a couple of episodes after he has turned her world upside down. Again. Turned her heart inside and outside. Again.
And this exchange in the cafe between Lundy and Deb.
Deb: "Look, don't make me come up with thought bubbles to put over those silent looks of yours. Just say what you're thinking.
Lundy: All right. I, I though that I could keep my feelings for you as background noise to this investigation. But in working with you, that noise has gotten...
Deb: Loud?
Lundy: Deafening."
Then, Deb winds up at his hotel room. Kisses him when he starts to talk, silencing all the words. All the stupid, white noise. Tells him to shut up. And then he is killed after the spend the night together; she is shot. She has to survive, go on living without him. Again.
Sound, noise. As the Bard wrote: "It is a tale. Told by an idiot. Full of sound and fury. Signifying nothing." My head, full of white noise and whirling noises and dizziness and heat.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Because my mind is beyond fucked up, the loss of Lundy makes me think of Grease 2 when Stephanie thinks that her cool rider is dead and sings this sappy, treacly song that makes me teary. Always. In the middle of the song, there is a little scene between her and her cool rider with some sung dialogue. I think that the term is recitative in opera. She tells him: "It all seems so unfair. Just when I found you, I lost you..."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUIwhikyo6A
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