When will these dark cafe days be over? They have gone on too long to be a phase. And I just cannot seem to get past them.
Monday found me feeling optimistic and hopeful. Along with the optimism and hope came some flirty chatter. Male attention, being called doll and darlin' equals total kryptonite for me. What's that you say? 1950 called and wants its antiquated attitude back.
Three days of flirty, sexy banter with a blue-eyed man with broad shoulders. Good morning doll emails, sweet dreams darlin' emails, and lots of make-the-day-speed-by-smile-inducing chatter. Then, poof. Gone like Kyezer Soze.* I just don’t get the rules, I suppose.
And I cannot quite root out the genesis of my discomfort, the level of upset-ed-ness. It's only been a few days. We are probably too different for any sort of lasting R-word. Which I don't even want. But he made me smile. And feel pretty. And a little less lonely. And like there could be some physical chemistry.
It is interesting, albeit depressing to watch the pattern unfold, to recognize each crease. The beginning, the middle, and the limbo. To watch from outside of myself as I make the same bad decisions, choose the same wrong path...
So, it's a pattern. It's not manifest destiny. Is it? I am not one of those toiling mortals being bandied about for the Gods' amusement. Am I? I have free will. Right? Just because I have followed the same pattern that could be characterized as banging-my-head against-the-wall-and-expecting-different results, does not mean that I have to bang my head against the wall again. Do I?
Even my horoscope (I generally claim not to believe in such nonsense but sometimes it rings so true) warns about my patterns and letting go: "You are trying to create healthy new routines for yourself with the Moon now activating your 6th House of Habits, but it's challenging to change established patterns. It's as if the weight of the past is leaning heavily on the present moment, restricting the potential of the future. Take the focus off your personal life and concentrate on the bigger picture, instead. This simple shift of your frame of reference can lighten your spirit enough to free you from an old habit or outdated outlook."
Ask me if I have learned anything at all from any of these insights? If I have followed the same patterns today? And how, pray tell, does one shift one's frame of reference...
Mantra for the day: He's just not that into you. He's just not that into you. He's just not that into you. He's just not that into you. He's just not that into you. He’s just not that into you. He just not that into you. He’s just not that into you.” (How many times till it penetrates my thick skull???)
Song of the Day: Fuckin' perfect, Pink.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1bcQMCZ5gU
*From Joni Mitchell's the last time I saw Richard. "All good dreamers pass this way some day. Hidin' behind bottles in dark cafes. Dark cafes. Only a dark cocoon before I get my gorgeous wings. And I fly away. Only a phase, these dark cafe days." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=igj20M84hbo
**Originally from the Jetsons, a cartoon about the future where all food was in pellet form and everyone flew space ships, through the eyes of George, "His boy Elroy. Daughter Judy. Jane-his wife." "Jane, get me off this crazy thing" was uttered by George to his wife, Jane. Also featured is the dog called Astro.
"Jane, get me off this crazy thing" was introduced to a whole new fan base in the movie "So, I married an axe murderer" as part of Charlie MacKenzie's beat poetry. Naturally, a movie from San Francisco. Because I suck. Because I am unable to break fucking patterns but able to break my phone. So fuckin' imperfect. http://www.youtube.com/watcv=GlkoQ4bUE5k
**From the Usual Suspects which is an excellent cops and robbers drama. As Verbal Kent explained: “Who is Keyser Soze? He is supposed to be Turkish. Some say his father was German. Nobody believed he was real. Nobody ever saw him or knew anybody that ever worked directly for him, but to hear Kobayashi tell it, anybody could have worked for Soze. You never knew. That was his power. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that, poof. He's gone.”
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