Day 3 of the Email Break Up. The "relationship" and "break up" are causing me to confront some uncomfortable truths about myself, truths that are hard to admit to myself and to cyberspace.
I am a smart, interesting person who can intelligently and passionately discuss a wide range of topics, including politics, books, cinema, philosophy, baseball, the weather. I don't watch reality tv except for bridal shows and only since I've been separated and one season of Dancing with the Stars. Plus, I am fairly funny and have a good sense of humor. I have a great job, many interesting friends, and a 4-year old Doodle who is sunshine on even the cloudiest, snowiest, raniest day and who makes me see the world through fresh eyes. I have an amazing brother, who inspires me with his goodness and his outlook.
Yes, I am separated but still living in the same house, albeit in a different bedroom, than my Ex. Yes, I owe a mortgage worth of student loans. Yes, I have made some horrible financial decisions in the last couple years. Yet, all my basic needs are met and then some. I fully acknowledge that I have it better than most of 90% of the world.
I don't mind being alone and doing things on my own: I enjoy my own company. But sometimes I get lonely and the loneliness is three-dimensional. It has texture, sound, a taste. I am also a hopeless romantic who has seen too many movies and read too many books. It was like catnip to have a man tell me that he was proud of me, my achievements, to say that he'd fight for me, the real, imperfect, emotionally needy me. Especially after the man that I had been with for 15 years never said that he was proud of me or fought for me. So, I fell for it--hook, line, and sinker, despite a lawyer's logic and an innate skepticism. I'd like to say that it was the first time that I have been wrong about a man, that I let emotional hunger override logic, but the Duck is yet another spoke in a wheel that I keeping running around like a confused hamster.
The Duck broke up with me an email, refused to discuss it on the phone, blaming it on the fact that I am a lawyer. He expressed shock and dismay over the fact that I had "de-friended" on Facebook, indicating via yet another email that he had hoped that we could be friends, good friends. Seriously. Then, he had the audacity to say that "we'd always have Florence" where we met and spent what seemed like the start of a beautiful relationship. Casablanca is my movie that he did not watch until I told him that a self-professed movie lover simply had to watch it. How dare he co-opt Casablanca after luring me across three time zones as part of a two-month long con game? And then this email yesterday:
Dear X,
I appreciate you wanting to be civil. I don't count it a waste of my time having met you. I'm a better person for having met you because you are a wonderful person., I'm sorry that you don't feel that way about me. I hope that someday we can be friends.
-The Duck
After breaking up in an email. Over a minor argument via text message. After nearly asking me to marry him in person, after crying at the airport when I left.
I am a nice person, a good girl who almost always does the right thing or does the thing that will make people like her which is often NOT the right thing for her. A people pleaser from way back. I am sick of being the victim, being civil. So, do I seek revenge? Or do I just let it go?
And now I feel drained. And a bit hopeless after rallying yesterday with some vinegar, fire, and optimism.
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